Going crazy

2008-11-07T00:25:00.000-08:00

Don't build a house upon the sand
we never should have tried
and when the timbers failed
our relationship just died

The faults weren't all mine
you had your fair share
but I am the one who killed it
gave it burdens it couldn't bear.

Don't start your house from the top
that never should be tried
build it square and slowly
leave faults nowhere to hide

And so our house has crumbled
but I bear you no ill will
I wish you health and happiness
and all your goals be fulfilled.

While you know who you are
I am a person I have yet to find
I shall travel along my road
and leave our house behind

It is broken down and empty
no warmth without you there
but i can think upon it
remembering that you cared

The next time I build a house
it won't be upon the sand
but have a solid foundation
to house the love of my beloved man.

2008-10-25T00:03:00.000-07:00

Thank you for the reminder

Will you be happy, when I dissolve away?
My spirit is broken, my will torn away.
Will you be happy when I am gone?
Not pestering you with the same old song
I want to be near you, I crave only your touch
Only you hold the comfort, I need so much
But the world moves on
and stops for no ones grief,
I should be thankful that it was short and brief
To say that i loved you would be a lie...
I love you still, well until my spirit dies.
Real death won't come for several years
but I won't feel a thing, my spirit dies here.
Apathy is a horrid curse,
funny I think I've lived through worse.
To be unloved and unwanted is a greater pain
It is what I will keep with me through sun and rain
So I bid farewell to you and what we could have had
Once the memories have faded it won't be so bad.

Thank you for the reminder

2008-08-06T01:55:00.000-07:00

Good news... and a thank you.
Firstly, I'd like to thank everyone for the enormous amount of support and love that i have gotten since the loss of my father. Some have been good enough to tell me how he touched their lives. Some have stood with me while i went insane or when i had to survive the ceremony. And others have called, e-mailed or come to visit just to make sure that i am alive, eating, sleeping, or just not killing anyone.

Even knowing all of you and being surrounded by you at times throughout my life... I have felt lost, or invisible, like all of my efforts or support or love had gone on completely unnoticed or unappreciated throughout the years. In these last few weeks of July not only were you there to support me, but reminded me and helped me see how many people I have been connected to, and that yes i am cared for.

So for all of this, I THANK YOU!!!

I have been locked up in my room for a while now, trying to be unconnected and trying to not fight with the chaos that is the aftermath of this huge loss. I don't want to fight or talk or feel ANY of this huge looming pain. But I have little choice in the matter. After a long conversation with a nice 42 year old lawyer friend of mine, I have decided to rejoin the living. And just in time for this decision was news that I got a job with Los Angeles County. So on Monday I will report to work and begin a new step in my life.

To top things off I am going to be a Great-Aunt, my father just missed out on being a Great-Grandfather...but I guess that this is just the circle of life.

So thank you for everything, I don't know that i will be very communicative or social in the coming months, but I will try.
I love you all.
D.

2008-07-28T21:40:00.000-07:00

His Eulogy

This post is mostly for those of you who missed the service for your varied reasons, (travel, religion, and so on) it was well received but it really doesn't cover everything that my dad was to me or the people whose lives he touched.

My Dad was a man of various talents and interests. George means Farmer or Tiller of the soil in Greek. His name itself gives you a good picture of him. He loved to grow things, to raise and nurture, not only his brothers and children but others around him. A soldier, student, teacher and friend. A man with an interesting sense of humor and constant charm. The man loved to learn and bedtime stories were always filled with lessons, every trip involved an educational detour to a fort, hall of fame or museum. A lover of music, dancing, movies, literature and the arts, he taught us to appreciate the old and the new.

He was continually involved in the lives of those around him, whether they were related to him or not. He became a counselor to runaways and abused kids from our high schools, an assistant coach to my swim team, a chauffeur to Teresa's friends and recruiting assistant to Peter's navy friends and shipmates who would come home on leave, and friend to everyone who came into contact with him. Some would describe this as being nosy or a busybody, Dad just called it community service.

Our last major family trip was to Hawaii and we will always be thankful for that time with him. A bunch of us going on a tour of the Big Island with Dad, standing on the summit of Kiluwea while he happily took pictures. While in Oahu, I was lucky enough to have a few dinners alone with him and walk on the beach back to the hotel telling stories and laughing.

George and Teri, or rather Dad and Mom were married for 28 years, long and happy relationship. They had everything they wanted in the first few years of marriage. Through ups and downs they were always together, and at the end she was by his side. I'm sure that she was a comfort to him but I have found that it was a great comfort to me. So we say goodbye to a wonderful friend, father, brother and husband. You are missed, I love you, we love you, and until we meet again.

2008-06-23T00:21:00.000-07:00

A Little Lost But Finding My Way.

So I spent this weekend inside and slightly lost without my LostDougall. But I spent most of this weekend trying to find my way.

1.) Figure out what classes I need in order to complete my degree.
2.) Put together a workout plan so I can start losing weight.
3.) Put together a playlist for said workout so that I'll actually do the exercising.
4.) Plan my budget for my weekend in Vegas.
5.) Look at my bills, plan a day to actually sit down & pay them.

So all in all I got a lot of things figured out. I tried closing a chapter in my life...swimming. But that failed horribly, Some of my old rivals and training partners had some interesting and at times very harsh things to say. I know that I can't compete anymore, but I refuse to coach. I don't wanna be one of those people who couldn't hack it so now they teach. I miss swimming and it hurts, but that won't keep me from watching my friends, old rivals and old training partners try to get a spot on the team at the Olympic Trials this weekend. So I tried to shut that door and it didn't work so I guess it will just stay open a little while longer, but I'd really like some closure on this thing soon, or at least a direction.

2008-04-02T10:35:00.001-07:00

Sick sick sick

So...I've been sick. High Fevers... uneasy stomach.

Just waiting to see Saturday. But the most annoying part is that i haven't seen daddy in days.

2008-03-30T06:56:00.000-07:00

The rigors of reality

I woke up this morning at 6am...ready for a workout. Mind and muscles said “hey it’s morning lets go swim.” Funny how you do something for so long that no matter what something in you just keeps going. I have watched training partners attain their dreams, our dreams. I know the pain and sweat that took them to Australia, Greece and soon China, but it isn’t something I can do anymore...or so my body tells me. But every once in a while I wake up early in the morning just ready to go with muscles that are restless and jumpy at the same time and they won’t be settled just by stretching, they want to feel chill of cold water, they want to feel the burn of work. God, I wish that I could oblige them.

The other end of reality this morning was that there isn’t a pool to swim in this early, on a Sunday. My muscles can’t keep up with the pace my brain sets. And I still have a fever and congestion in my chest, so cold water is just me begging for hypothermia or pneumonia. So I sit here drinking water and gatorade hoping to break the fever. I do plan to start swimming in April, not to compete but to get the itch out of my muscles and see if I can’t get my weight down to a decent number.

I hope that my body is as ready in April, as it was this morning.

2008-03-27T15:35:00.000-07:00

OK, so Life is moving at its own strange and fast pace. I scramble to keep up, and then beg to slow down. When it does finally decide to slow down, something horrible happens and there is magically more stuff on my plate than there was the time before.

So fuck it, keep the fast pace going so long as not more shit gets tossed on my plate. I have no time for friends, or family (well family that I want to see anyway, and spend the majority of my time on a computer for one reason or another.

My total so far for the year is seven funerals...i feel that this number is a bit high. People rush in and I quickly push them out, for fear of my temper going off on them, though they would deserve it.

The only thing making me smile lately are the adventures of a rubber duck...yup a duck in Arizona, who posts to his blog about his adventures...like going to Red Robin. How did my life get so low that I envy a little yellow duck? But at the same time Duck makes me smile, so I guess that is what matters, check him out at ducktoday.com and let me know if he is funny or my life has just really gotten that low.

Other than that i should be out for most of the weekends of Southern faire, but I will be taking some time away from life....very very soon.

2008-03-20T15:08:00.001-07:00

completely nuts at this point, totally stressed out and no escape in sight.

I get to enjoy talking to people but not actualy having contact with them. I need hugs and to be touched, this is going to drive me crazier than all of the crap going on.

Long story short, losts of fighting, lots of death and sickness, some surgeries and recoverings. Inspections and bad results and having no place to go.

ok, I give up.

2007-06-18T23:10:00.000-07:00

I really miss him.

I was born on Father's day, and was always really close to my Dad, and now I just feel lost and alone. He's been in the hospital a year today and it kills me. Yesterday during all of those "what a great Dad" movies all I could think was "I wanna go home"...I was sitting in my kitchen.

Dad's roses that he planted for my mother are in bloom and their scent fills the air...it so fucking depressing. Though a friend did remind me to take a picture so that my dad can see that his roses are still thriving. I just want to hear his voice, he could say anything, I just want to hear it and know the comfort that it brings.

My dad was never really physically demonstrative in his affections but I knew that he cared, now I seem to be more sensitive to any negative communication from him. If he sends me away or wants me to leave I am hurt, though i know that somehow it is for me that he is doing this.

It seems that I have spent the last 12 years merely wanting my dad back and during those 12 years I have been losing larger portions of him. He had a stroke 12 years ago but it wasn't this big, he managed to recover to about 90% and I just wanted that 10% that I knew was missing. We got over it and were happy with the part that we had and the fact that he was still here and still dependable for remarks and comments. We saw that he was deteriorating in the last 5 years, but we just shrugged and said "hey Dad is getting old". We merely took it in stride, he isn't going to live forever.

This Stroke was in his brain stem, it affected everything, and we work hard and poke and prod to make him throw a ball, or connect dots on a page, or move his lips enough to where I can read them. Its' funny that he bites me on purpose when i clean his mouth or brush his teeth, he finds it funny when I stand too close, to snatch my bottle and try to drink...until he takes too much and starts to choke, but that doesn't stop him from trying.

He always had a will of iron and now it seems to be made of some lesser metal. He understands everything around him, and is still capable of reading, and it hurts to see him. My dad in a hospital bed, unable to move his left side, unable to communicate clearly, to see his daily frustrations cross over his face, the disgust in his eyes when he can't let go of the bar that he was so happy he could reach only seconds ago.

It hurts, it makes everything in my chest go tight, and I'm upset at the fact that I can only stand to be in his room for 40-50 minutes. I go weeks without any good sleep until my body gives out and shuts down. Places of calm and safety are few and far away.

Being an emotional sponge and walking down that hallway to him doesn't help either, most of the people living in that section know me, I try to help when I'm there (releasing brakes on wheelchairs or pushing one to the rec. room) and that just means that it takes me even longer to walk out and escape the silent screams of the sick and dying.

Don't know what I want, just needed to vent I guess, there really isn't anything to be done but what I do. Go and see him, tell him that I love him and miss him, push him into exercising and increasing what he can do.

Though the mean spirited part of me appreciates that I spend this time with my Dad and my older sister only managed to spare 10-15 mins. for him on Father's day. Guess I'm not that bad of a daughter after all.

2007-05-30T21:06:00.000-07:00

So I have discovered that my hands are worse than I thought.
I went out and played tennis with my lil bro and lost yesterday (6-3) and today (6-2). We discovered that my hands aren't strong enough to hold the racket one handed for a backhand stroke, if Peter hit it hard and I returned the racket would fall out of my hand.

Other than that my entire body aches for a good reason this time...I was weeding in the backyard and started prepping the soil for my veggie garden. i hate having to dig up dirt that just doesn't want to move. But if all goes well I should have pumpkins in time for Halloween, and some corn, onions (which I can't even eat), and other stuff. Any suggestions or requests on what I should grow, I haven't completed the lay out for my garden yet so there is still room for more stuff.
on a similar note, my peaches are growing nicely...now if the birds would just let them alone!

Bird Kill Score currently standing:
Midnight (dog) 2 birds
Chester (cat) 2 birds
Artemis (dog) 0 birds

2007-04-30T11:07:00.000-07:00

Alright I'm OK now.
Had an interesting weekend filled with (now look surprised) Booze. I was upset on Friday so i drank (mostly at once) 3/4 of a bottle of scotch, followed by a few beers and so pickled veggies. It was the veggies that killed me and around 3AM i popped, all over my friend's sheep skin...Sorry Mike. Didn't sleep great but made it to grandma's by 6:50AM to start my Saturday.
Saturday I was a raging Bitch (before and after the scotch and beer) and took everything out on my booth...sorry guys. My afternoon plans got screwed but that is what happens sometimes, and it they need me they or rather Tom knows that I'll be there. Later I figured out the problem with my mood and tried really hard not to kill anyone, but most especially my siblings.
Sunday, apart from being hot, crowded and dusty...was pretty good. I slept great on Saturday night, was comfy and warm, getting some much needed rest (as i haven't really slept well all week). Ran around faire visiting with people and planning out the knives i am buying this year. Schulps makes me happy! And since he doesn't want me drinking out of pewter, he also gave me a tankard. Finally got to get my hair braided and look pretty, and hang out at Border Horse throughout the day.
So this was a great way to end my completely shitty and supremely horrible week. With friends and booze, and then friends again.

2007-04-27T15:50:00.000-07:00

OK actually going crazy right now...near the end of my already frayed emotional rope. the tension in my back and neck is killing me along with my normal every day I'm alive pain.

Dad is on a ventilator and while this caused his vitals to go to a much healthier place numbers wise, I just can't take seeing him like that. It hurts sooooooooo much, and he was asking about my ring, not remembering that he gave it to me, but wanted my locket which has a picture of him and my mom in it. I didn't even have the stomach to deal with the phelm that he was coughing up (out of his mouth for the first time) without gagging, and that hurt too. It isn't his fault that my stomach did back flips at the sight and smell. What's wrong with me I've done this for years with him and others I just couldn't take it and then i made myself stay longer. Good thing I haven't eaten today. Maybe I'll go and get drunk...ya that sounds good.

To any one who gives a shit...sorry but i don't care about anything except making this pain stop, by any stupid means (don't wanna try the smart ones)

2007-04-23T17:23:00.000-07:00

Good News First
Ok, so Saturday was great, got to have part one of Snackdown 2007! ritz got to hit me with a banana peel, and we had a really large crowd. But it was great getting each other all creamed up and dirty. First bananas and whipcream then the cherries! I stuffed half a banana down ritz's bodice adn every time someone hugged her hard she went squish...hehehehe. The best part was afterwards going around and asking people for hugs! Many ran, others defended themselves from a distance and some were quite willing to just give us love and get dirty.

Sunday was Horrible, the pain woke me up and would not stop, but i'm sure no one wants to here this part.
*DAD UPDATE*
This morning while driving to the train station Dad's nurse called to get permission to follow the doctor's orders to put Dad on a ventilator. Apparently his O2 levels are too low and his heart rate too high for the little bit of O2 he is getting, not to mention the fact that he only has about 12-15% healthy tissue in his heart in the first place. Mom said that he was sneezing on saturday and yes this could be what's needed to get him over the latest infection but either way I don't like it. This just took me into another level of depression.

My brain is won't stop and is screaming, My body is broken, aching and moaning, there is no quiet or calm.... not even in my own mind!

2007-04-12T17:06:00.000-07:00

Men are funny.
I've been working as an extra on Movie & TV shoots, preparing for Ren Faire and have met all manner of people, but surprisingly enough (NOT!!!) the men are the most interesting.

While on a 15 hour shoot for a movie involving 600 extras, many people were either too lazy to do the job they were being paid for, or didn't show up all together. Some guys checked in then went to Disneyland for the day, and returned just in time to check out. Others decided to hide in the dark corners nearthe ladies restroom and sleep for the day. And on the other side of this are the men who are just trying to get the work done as quickly as possible so that we can go home...I mean who the hell wants to watch the same scene 500 times from 30 different angles. But the P.A.'s fought through it and despite the crowd they had a smile on their faces at the end of the day. (Though I know you won't see this) Thank you Bill, Greg, Richard, Ritchie, Alan, Paul, and Mark!! I would never have survived your jobs...or rather the extras would never have survived.

Next I come to the guys from faire. Some of them have somehow grown and matured, despite their attempts not to. Others are set in their ways, for better or worse. And yet some, after what 5 years of polite conversation finally decide to show me that they are intelligent, witty and actually fun to be around. While other show that after five years they are completely worthless and a waste of space.

So men are always interesting to watch, from the prima donna actors who bellow for make up to the slobs who bellow for more beer.

At least they are more fun to watch than girls!!

2007-03-14T13:35:00.000-07:00

OH MY GOD!!!!
I just saw 300 last night and it had so many things flowing through me it was ridiculous! I learned how to fight with a shield and spear long ago and the Spartans were doing it right! The beauty of the shots, the muscles, and force of will in the men. It was gorgeous.

Many are upset over how their cultures were characterized, but you must remember that this is based on a graphic novel, not a documentary. It isn't like any country or culture has a perfectly clean history anyway.

If you haven't seen it...Go!!!! Go Now!!!

2007-01-01T14:15:00.000-08:00

New Year was surprisingly great!
Got to see Edward Scissorhands the ballet,
which was great and I enjoyed it immensely
(thanks for the tickets Mom). My date for
the evening was my best friend Ped. This
was an extra special treat as I never get
to spend time with him anymore.

After the show we stopped in and saw Dad,
he is very responsive and not happy to be
in the hospital still.

Then we were off to Jonathan's
party and I got to see many people that I
have missed in these past 7 non-social
months. I'm only sorry that I didn't make
use of the hot tub.

After that we hit another party that was
winding down, and Denny's. Only a couple
of things could have made the night perfect
but as far as a new years, it isn't a bad start!

2006-12-21T02:07:00.002-08:00

I hate the holidays, it makes me think of years past, the good and the bad; sometimes of life, but mostly of loss. I know that I am not alone, though I feel lonely, but there are holes in my heart that used to be filled with warmth and love. I have memories, but even if they are happy, they are cold.

Memories are beating me down, and hitting me while I'm weak. But the tears and the pain inside won't just be poured out. They insist on being like the sea and flowing in and out on high and low tides. Just as one pulls back and leaves me weak, the next one comes and crashes above my head. There are some many that are gone, both dead and alive. Each name is another wave; I wish that my memory wasn't so long and exact.

2006-11-15T15:00:00.000-08:00

I have new reviews up on Sequential Tart and will continue in the coming months.

Other than that I am currently getting burned out very quickly and i'm not sure what to do about it. Work and school and even my beloved reviews are starting to beat me down.

Horrible thoughts have been invading my mind, and I don't know where they came from.

My temper is shorter than ever and nothing will make me happy.

I see and talk to people everyday and yet I am craving human contact.

I just don't get it. . . .(and the PAIN is getting worse)

2006-11-15T14:50:00.000-08:00

I want to dance!
I was listening to the Kill Bill soundtrack and heard a song that made me want to dance.

Don't Let Me Be Misunderstood by Santa Esmerelda

I have spend so much time teaching guys how to dance that I have forgotten how to follow. I want to be led on to a dance floor and move with my partner along with the music. I want to get lost in it. I really miss that, and it makes me miss my dad (he was an instructor), he used to dance with me.

Now here comes the difficult part, find a straight guy who knows (or wants to know) how to tango, cha cha, and waltz.

Good thing my man is taking dancing class with me . . . huh?

2006-10-04T23:38:00.000-07:00

So I have been reading and loving Civil War, and since I am writing for Sequential Tart, there will be a large amount of reviews of these comics by me, My question is...(when it is all said and done, or at least when it is getting close) should I do a full length feature on it? And whom should I ask for help as far as possible online interviews? If I can get them.

And how am I supposed to afford all of these comics and the time to write when I am still going to school full time, working, and worrying about my Dad (hospital is still trying to kill him)? Guess i'm just letting all of this stuff get to me.

Any advice would be appreciated.

2006-10-02T09:11:00.000-07:00

Ok, so the new issue of Sequential Tart went live yesterday, and my reviews are in it! YAY!!!!

I am so happy to be writing, and even happier that its about comics! So please do me a favor and go to www.sequentialtart.com and check out the Report card for Comics, and let me know what you think! The reviews are written under my real name, so that would be. . . Dorothea Cantero.

I'd really appreciate any feedback on this as this is my first attempt at doing ANY sort of writing in a long time. Thank you, please drive through.

2006-09-27T12:43:00.000-07:00

You know I had so much fun doing this I can hardly wait for SNACKDOWN 2007!

Ritz and I will try to determine who the winner is, as we each won one round last year. I really miss Ritz, but i can't decide if i miss the fudge she made me for my birthday more. . . pretty sad huh? Dammit the homemade chocolate and peanutbutter fudge was that freakin good!!