Don't build a house upon the sand
we never should have tried
and when the timbers failed
our relationship just died

The faults weren't all mine
you had your fair share
but I am the one who killed it
gave it burdens it couldn't bear.

Don't start your house from the top
that never should be tried
build it square and slowly
leave faults nowhere to hide

And so our house has crumbled
but I bear you no ill will
I wish you health and happiness
and all your goals be fulfilled.

While you know who you are
I am a person I have yet to find
I shall travel along my road
and leave our house behind

It is broken down and empty
no warmth without you there
but i can think upon it
remembering that you cared

The next time I build a house
it won't be upon the sand
but have a solid foundation
to house the love of my beloved man.

Thank you for the reminder

Will you be happy, when I dissolve away?
My spirit is broken, my will torn away.
Will you be happy when I am gone?
Not pestering you with the same old song
I want to be near you, I crave only your touch
Only you hold the comfort, I need so much
But the world moves on
and stops for no ones grief,
I should be thankful that it was short and brief
To say that i loved you would be a lie...
I love you still, well until my spirit dies.
Real death won't come for several years
but I won't feel a thing, my spirit dies here.
Apathy is a horrid curse,
funny I think I've lived through worse.
To be unloved and unwanted is a greater pain
It is what I will keep with me through sun and rain
So I bid farewell to you and what we could have had
Once the memories have faded it won't be so bad.

Thank you for the reminder

Good news... and a thank you.
Firstly, I'd like to thank everyone for the enormous amount of support and love that i have gotten since the loss of my father. Some have been good enough to tell me how he touched their lives. Some have stood with me while i went insane or when i had to survive the ceremony. And others have called, e-mailed or come to visit just to make sure that i am alive, eating, sleeping, or just not killing anyone.

Even knowing all of you and being surrounded by you at times throughout my life... I have felt lost, or invisible, like all of my efforts or support or love had gone on completely unnoticed or unappreciated throughout the years. In these last few weeks of July not only were you there to support me, but reminded me and helped me see how many people I have been connected to, and that yes i am cared for.

So for all of this, I THANK YOU!!!

I have been locked up in my room for a while now, trying to be unconnected and trying to not fight with the chaos that is the aftermath of this huge loss. I don't want to fight or talk or feel ANY of this huge looming pain. But I have little choice in the matter. After a long conversation with a nice 42 year old lawyer friend of mine, I have decided to rejoin the living. And just in time for this decision was news that I got a job with Los Angeles County. So on Monday I will report to work and begin a new step in my life.

To top things off I am going to be a Great-Aunt, my father just missed out on being a Great-Grandfather...but I guess that this is just the circle of life.

So thank you for everything, I don't know that i will be very communicative or social in the coming months, but I will try.
I love you all.
D.

His Eulogy

This post is mostly for those of you who missed the service for your varied reasons, (travel, religion, and so on) it was well received but it really doesn't cover everything that my dad was to me or the people whose lives he touched.

My Dad was a man of various talents and interests. George means Farmer or Tiller of the soil in Greek. His name itself gives you a good picture of him. He loved to grow things, to raise and nurture, not only his brothers and children but others around him. A soldier, student, teacher and friend. A man with an interesting sense of humor and constant charm. The man loved to learn and bedtime stories were always filled with lessons, every trip involved an educational detour to a fort, hall of fame or museum. A lover of music, dancing, movies, literature and the arts, he taught us to appreciate the old and the new.

He was continually involved in the lives of those around him, whether they were related to him or not. He became a counselor to runaways and abused kids from our high schools, an assistant coach to my swim team, a chauffeur to Teresa's friends and recruiting assistant to Peter's navy friends and shipmates who would come home on leave, and friend to everyone who came into contact with him. Some would describe this as being nosy or a busybody, Dad just called it community service.

Our last major family trip was to Hawaii and we will always be thankful for that time with him. A bunch of us going on a tour of the Big Island with Dad, standing on the summit of Kiluwea while he happily took pictures. While in Oahu, I was lucky enough to have a few dinners alone with him and walk on the beach back to the hotel telling stories and laughing.

George and Teri, or rather Dad and Mom were married for 28 years, long and happy relationship. They had everything they wanted in the first few years of marriage. Through ups and downs they were always together, and at the end she was by his side. I'm sure that she was a comfort to him but I have found that it was a great comfort to me. So we say goodbye to a wonderful friend, father, brother and husband. You are missed, I love you, we love you, and until we meet again.

A Little Lost But Finding My Way.

So I spent this weekend inside and slightly lost without my LostDougall. But I spent most of this weekend trying to find my way.

1.) Figure out what classes I need in order to complete my degree.
2.) Put together a workout plan so I can start losing weight.
3.) Put together a playlist for said workout so that I'll actually do the exercising.
4.) Plan my budget for my weekend in Vegas.
5.) Look at my bills, plan a day to actually sit down & pay them.

So all in all I got a lot of things figured out. I tried closing a chapter in my life...swimming. But that failed horribly, Some of my old rivals and training partners had some interesting and at times very harsh things to say. I know that I can't compete anymore, but I refuse to coach. I don't wanna be one of those people who couldn't hack it so now they teach. I miss swimming and it hurts, but that won't keep me from watching my friends, old rivals and old training partners try to get a spot on the team at the Olympic Trials this weekend. So I tried to shut that door and it didn't work so I guess it will just stay open a little while longer, but I'd really like some closure on this thing soon, or at least a direction.

Sick sick sick

So...I've been sick. High Fevers... uneasy stomach.

Just waiting to see Saturday. But the most annoying part is that i haven't seen daddy in days.

The rigors of reality

I woke up this morning at 6am...ready for a workout. Mind and muscles said “hey it’s morning lets go swim.” Funny how you do something for so long that no matter what something in you just keeps going. I have watched training partners attain their dreams, our dreams. I know the pain and sweat that took them to Australia, Greece and soon China, but it isn’t something I can do anymore...or so my body tells me. But every once in a while I wake up early in the morning just ready to go with muscles that are restless and jumpy at the same time and they won’t be settled just by stretching, they want to feel chill of cold water, they want to feel the burn of work. God, I wish that I could oblige them.

The other end of reality this morning was that there isn’t a pool to swim in this early, on a Sunday. My muscles can’t keep up with the pace my brain sets. And I still have a fever and congestion in my chest, so cold water is just me begging for hypothermia or pneumonia. So I sit here drinking water and gatorade hoping to break the fever. I do plan to start swimming in April, not to compete but to get the itch out of my muscles and see if I can’t get my weight down to a decent number.

I hope that my body is as ready in April, as it was this morning.